Thursday, June 20, 2013
7:32 am pdt
Biggest Conspiracy of them All
The biggest conspiracy of all is that there are no conspiracies. All
conspiracies were created by a special section of the government to take our focus away from what is really happening... and
that is nothing. There are no conspiracies. 9/11 was really a bunch of suicidal terrorists. Oswald
really killed Kennedy all on his own, and Jack Ruby really killed Oswald simply because he was angry. Obama was
born in the United States. There is no “liberal media” conspiracy. The gays have no secret
agenda. Jews, Christians, and Muslims, as well as everybody else, would really prefer to worship in peace and go
home at night to their families after working at meaningful jobs all day. All of the mass shootings are really
just crazy people who have way too many guns and way too much time on their hands. There are no aliens, zombies,
vampires, the Loch Ness monster, or alligators in the sewers. There are no secret government tests. Vapour
trails in the sky really are just ice crystals that are a natural part of the jets’ exhaust. Fluoride in
the water really does prevent cavities... and nothing else. And vaccinations really do prevent bad stuff from happening,
and the side effects are exactly what the experts say they are, and they really are experts.
And the list goes on, seemingly endlessly, with
new ones being created every day. And they all have one thing in common: None of them is true. And it doesn’t
take a PhD to figure out why we insist that there are conspiracies: People get bored really easily. However, the
government knows it doesn’t take much to give us something to do. Look at Reality TV, the Academy Awards, Angry
Birds, and online solitaire. Look at Facebook. Sudoku. Crossword puzzles, and 5,000 piece, two-sided puzzles
of utility access covers. Look at bloggers and joggers and loggers who swear they’ve seen Bigfoot.
When we lived on farms
or worked 14 hour days seven days a week in factories, we didn’t have time to get bored. And even if we did, we
usually didn’t live long enough to really have time to worry about how we were going to fill all that empty space yawning
in front of us like an empty grave after we were given a golden watch and a hardy pat on the back.
But now we do. And with all of this extra
time, what everybody has come to realize is that the world is a mind-numbingly dull place. And what the government has
come to realize is that if people ever realize just how amazingly boring everything really is, then they might actually start
doing those things that they believe others are already conspiring to do. After all, starting a militia and planting
real landmines has to be more exciting than playing Minesweeper. So the government has come up with conspiracy theories
to give us something to do... well, other than starting our own militias. They have a whole staff they brought in from
Hollywood. After all, dreaming up conspiracies is really no different than dreaming up stupid plots for sit-coms week
after week. How is it possible that nobody notices that Bruce Wayne is really Batman? What difference does it
make! How is it possible that seeing Elvis Presley dead, lying in a casket, really doesn’t mean he’s dead?
What difference does it make! They’re all stupid ideas to begin with. They don’t need intelligent
explanations. You don’t need to be logical when explaining the un-dead. Conspiracies work because we’ll
believe anything that even sounds remotely possible, and usually without question.
And the beauty with conspiracies is that they’re
harmless. Let people go on and on about who killed Kennedy, because in the end, there is nothing to “prove.”
It really was Oswald. Prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse all you want. Spend the rest of your life searching for
Big Foot. Sure, every once in a while somebody is able to prove a real conspiracy, such as Watergate or the whole Iran-Contra
thing, and somebody might eventually even find Big Foot. But that just makes it better. Because if one conspiracy
is true, based on the entire logic of conspiracies to begin with, then that means they all are true. And
any “proof” to the contrary – anything that proves that a conspiracy is non-sense – well... we all
know that’s just part of the conspiracy, too. And that includes any evidence that this conspiracy is not true
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
8:22 am pdt
Quote of the Week
“Sounds like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays.”
Judge, Mike, dir. Office Space. With Ron Livingston, Jennifer Aniston,
and David Herman. Original story and script by Mike Judge, 20th Century Fox, 1999.
8:20 am pdt
Word of the Every So Often
penchant: (adj.) really, really liking something, or a tendency to do something; or maybe both. She had
a penchant for working the crossword every Sunday afternoon.
Monday, June 10, 2013
7:03 am pdt
Word of the Every So Often
neophyte: (noun) a person who is new to a subject, skill, or belief; a recent religious convert.
The neophytes made up in zeal what they lacked in knowledge.