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All the English You Will Ever Need


The English language is constantly evolving, both the words we use and the rules that control the usage of those words.  Therefore, it is impossible to ever have a definitive grammar guide, or, if you will, a Complete Guide of American English.  And that’s why we're not even trying anymore.



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Friday, December 27, 2013

Life’s Not Fair

Those who use this phrase usually cannot resist tacking on, “So get used to it.”  Now there’s a great thing to tell a kid who’s perceived an injustice in the world.  Why don’t you tell her that her puppy’s going to grow old and die, too?  Probably a horrible death.  What you are asking is that the child accept that life is unfair, to not even try to make it any different.  Give up.  Is it any wonder that children grow up so damned cynical when they complain to those people who might actually be able to make things better and the only response they get is, “Life sucks.  Get used to it”?  Sure, children can whine a lot.  And often their concept of what is fair is based solely on whether they like it or not, which is truly unrealistic.  But that takes time and patience to explain to a child.  And who wants to do that when it’s so much easier to use a cliché?

8:59 am pst 

Friday, December 20, 2013

You Can’t Blame Me for Trying

Of course we can!  What kind of defense is that?  “Well, your Honor, my client only tried to rob the bank, and he only tried to shoot the guards, and he only tried to run down all those people when he was trying to get away.  But we can’t blame him for trying.”

9:32 am pst 

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

We Noticed

A current ad campaign states, "The best surprises are always hidden."  That's a bit like saying that the best water is always wet.  But here's the thing:  Regardless of how stupid that is, somebody else thought it was clever enough to pay that person for it.  Seriously, was there nobody at the ad agency brave enough or smart enough to say, "What?"  Or did they think that nobody would ever notice just how stupid that really is?

1:41 pm pst 

Up the Creek without a Paddle

Why would it be bad to be up the creek without a paddle?  You can always float down.  But being down the creek and wanting to go up... yeah... not having a paddle could be a definite problem.  But even if you had a paddle and you’re wanting to go against the current, it would probably be easier just to get out and walk.  Another example of a cliché that makes no sense.

10:30 am pst 

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

The History of the Future

April 14, 2068:  When Pigs Fly

Through a combination of genetic mutations, xeno-morphic-splicing, and something “really weird that he was doing with a blender and a blow torch,” Clyde Weysenhausen created a pig that could actually fly, albeit not very well.  When asked why he did such a thing, Weysenhausen replied, “What?  You hear them too!  Dull people thinking they sound clever by using clichés!  Well, there’s one they can’t use anymore!”  Weysenhausen died the following year when his crocobear ate him, and the pig flew into a bus.  All they could save were its ribs.  As a side note, people actually stopped using the phrase “When pigs fly,” replacing it with “When ducks sing.”

4:17 pm pst 

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