Mr. Mandrake Chapman is a Professional
Grant Writer and Contributing Editor for the Holy Grail Press.
Mr. Chapman holds the distinction of
being the only person to take every course offered by Cambridge and never actually to have graduated. He
received his Associate’s degree from Fairfield Junior College in Crossgrove, Illinois, in 1994, and then went on to
join its faculty, where he is renown for his studies in Educational Philosophy and Toxicology. In his most
widely recognized experiment, he concluded that, whereas it is true that children learn better when a teacher has fewer students,
when the student to teacher ratio drops below one, learning becomes negligible.
And, of course, who hasn’t
benefitted from Mr. Chapman’s pre-graduate school landmark research that concluded cold beer inherently tastes better
when you’re on a tropical beech? That, in turn, became the foundation of undoubtedly one of his most
controversial claims, that women truly do become more sexually attractive with increased alcoholic consumption, either on
their part or on the part of the observer. Mandrake, along with his other projects, is currently seeking
to procure grant money to prove this assertion.
As a pure scientist, though, Mandrake is less concerned
with the actual utility of his findings than the process of scientific inquiry. To him, it is a need to
Says Mandrake, “It’s not so much writing the grants as implementing them.
Some studies can take up to ten years to implement. And, of course, there’s a stipend.
It’s not an easy job. It does require a lot of travel. For instance, in
proving that students truly learn more if their regular teacher actually submits lesson plans to a substitute while he or
she is gone, it was necessary to determine if there was a difference in the quality of the lesson plans that were submitted
if they were written at various altitudes, like the Swiss Alps, or at sea level, such as Tahiti. A good
grant will allow for travel.”
Mandrake is currently compiling an oral history of why
people hate their jobs in an attempt to prove his hypotheseis that it is because actual work is loathsome. As
well, he is continuing his ongoing project of recording The History of the Future.