Tuesday, April 20, 2021
9:21 am pdt
of the Future: Save the Skinny Houses!
In the fall of 2056, the Supreme Court
was asked to decide the general fate of urban renewal, and skinny houses in particular. More notable than
the actual court case was the extreme speed the movement spread across the United States, and even into other countries.
The movement, which became known by the acronym S.H.I.T. (Skinny Houses
Improve Things), began in the Spring of 2056 in North Portland, Oregon, with three protestors outside the planned demolition
of a skinny house to make way for new "Box" housing. Within a month, there were protests in major
cities throughout the United States, and sympathetic rallies in the London suburb of Surrey, and Heilbad Heiligenstadt, Germany.
The rapid prominence of the movement can be traced to a viral video of a kitten chasing its tail at the original SHIT
rally. That, and people seemed to really like saying, "Shit."
It is estimated that SHIT, collected over 1.2 billion dollars in donations in just five months, ostensibly
to fund the legal battle required to ban developers from destroying historic homes to make way for new, trendier housing.
It became common in the Summer of '56 to hear the organization's slogan: "Give a SHIT!
The culminating event
was The Concert to Save the Skinny Houses. It is estimated that on August 3 & 4, well over a million
people filled the National Mall in Washington D.C. to hear every pop artist of the day – none of whom anybody still
remembers – all sing songs about teenage angst. In a national poll taken shortly before the Fall Supreme Court session,
92% of all Americans (with a margin of error of plus or minus 3%) responded favourably to saving the skinny houses.
It was this popularity that pushed SHIT v. Reality Realty before the judges in October.
Writing for the majority, Judge Harris stated, "Why are we even hearing this case?
If you want to save the skinny houses, it's really easy. All you have to do is buy them.
Nobody's stopping you." Whereas many people had been willing to spend their money on pointless
legal battles, when it finally came down to it, no one was willing to spend their money on an actual skinny house.
Said one supporter, "No interviews, please." Within two years all skinny houses were gone.
See also: Save the Flat Houses; Save the Crocked Houses; Save the McMansions; Save the Depressing Duplex
Communities; Save the Trailor Parks; and Save the Ash Heap at the End of My Block.
Friday, April 16, 2021
11:04 am pdt
It can often be very difficult to pinpoint the origin of a word or a phrase. For
instance, who said, “Groovy!” for the first time? What deprived mind conceived such a combination
of letters? Sure, you can trace its use back in documents, but that can take you only so far.
You may find that its first recorded use was in episode 62 of “Gilligan’s Island” (or not), but that
doesn’t tell you that a writer for that show created the term, although I wouldn’t doubt if one did.
The word could’ve been in use in limited circles for years before then.
When trying to decide on the origin of the term 4:20, it’s even
harder. Those in the best position to know probably can’t remember. 4:20, for
those of you who don’t know or can’t remember, has come to represent the entire marijuana smoking, weed toking,
pot ingesting, and cannabis molesting sub-culture. Just as every good beer drinker dutifully recognizes
beer-thirty, every die-hard stoner recognizes bong-twenty. 4:20 – the time of the afternoon to get
high, or higher. And thus, the twentieth of April, the twentieth day of the fourth month, 4/20, has become
the most sacred of all days for every red-eyed, munchie-craving stoner everywhere, who will all be happy to show you how they
put the high in high holy days.
But why 4:20?
Why not 2:15? 9:37? Noon? All the above?
When trying to figure something such as where the term 4:20 originated,
perhaps one of the best places to start is by eliminating the possibilities. One rumor of where the term
comes from is that there are 420 chemicals in pot. Not true, says Americans for Safe Access, a marijuana
advocacy group. According to them there are “...483 different identifiable chemical constituents
known to exist in cannabis.” (Medical Marijuana) And then they go on to list them,
but you’ll just have to take my word on that.
Another possibility was that 420 was the police code... somewhere... for weed addicts.
“We’ve got a 420 in Progress at the Disc Golf Course.” Never mind that that’s
redundant. There’s one way to find out if that’s true. In the terms of modern
parlance, google it! I simply put in: “Is 420 a police code?”
It’s a well asked question, according to Google. And the answer I found at an entire site
devoted to squashing rumors was, “No.” There are no police departments in the country that
use 420 as a code for a couple of brothers passing a spliff. (Mikkelson)
On the other hand, Senate Bill 420, which became law in California in 2003 made it legal to use medicinal
marijuana. (Senate Bill) However, the term 420 was around long before 2003.
And I know that because while searching for the police codes, I stumbled across a site where somebody else had already
done the work for me. Aside from having found what they claimed was the right answer, they also debunked
many others that I hadn’t even thought of, such as that the 20th of April is the best time to plant marijuana
(as if a weed needs a best time!), or that when the Grateful Dead toured they always stayed in room 420. (Mikkelson)
Wow. Some people have really put a lot of effort in this.
According to a quasi-reliable source, 420 is believed to have come into existence in 1971 at San
Rafael High School in San Rafael, California. There were these twelve dudes, you see, and they all got
into the habit of getting high every day at pretty much the same time after school... by the statue... at 4:20.
And that became their code. You’re sitting in second hour algebra... or is it French... hard
to tell, you can’t speak it... and your buddy nods and says, “420.” Enough said.
And from there, quite naturally, it spread. (Mikkelson) All the cool stuff starts
But is that true?
I mean, it’s not that I don’t trust Ms. Mikkelson, or Ms. Witmer, or Mr. Grimm, or any of the other numerous
sources on the Internet that all confirm Mikkelson’s story. But it’s just what my mama always
told me: Trust, but verify. So I did. I looked it up on Wikipedia.
And, by golly, there is a San Rafael High School. And the High School has a statue of Louis Pasteur
on its campus... the same statue where those darned stoners used to hang out each day at 4:20. And get
this! Louis Pasteur has nothing to do with marijuana! And if that’s not
enough, it’s a high school. And, really, if it’s on Wikipedia, then you know
it must be true.
Grimm, Ryan. “What 420 Means: The True Story Behind Stoners' Favorite
Number.” 25 May 2011. The Huffington Post. 19 Apr. 2012.
Marijuana.” 7 Dec. 2006. Pro/Con.org. 19 Apr. 2012.
“Claim: The Term ‘420’ entered drug parlance as a term signifying the time to
light up a joint.” 13 June 2008. Snopes.com. 19 Apr.
High School.” 2 Dec. 2011. Wikipedia. 19 Apr. 2012.
“Senate Bill: SB 420 Chaptered Bill Text.” 12 Oct.
2003. California State Government. 19 Apr. 2012. http://info.sen.ca.gov/pub/03-04/bill/sen/sb_0401-0450/sb_420_bill_20031012_chaptered.html
Witmer, Denise. “What Does ‘420’ Mean?” 2012.
About.com: Teens. 19 Apr. 2012. http://parentingteens.about.com/cs/marijuana/a/420meaning.htm
Wednesday, April 14, 2021
8:42 am pdt
when life's journey is done,
that getting there
was half the fun.
Monday, April 12, 2021
1:37 pm pdt
Do good headhunters
go to heaven
If they've lived a good headhunter's life?
If they've said their headhunter prayers,
good headhunter husbands and wives?
If they've never hunted heads out of season,
and always did their headhunting-est
do good headhunters go to heaven
when good headhunters are laid to rest?
And at night do they
sit and wonder,
instead of going to their headhunter beds,
if good white people go to heaven
never hunted a head?
"Do Good Headhunters Go to Heaven?" was originally published in Suttertown News in the their
March 10-17, 1988, edition.
Friday, April 9, 2021
9:15 am pdt
of the Future: The Brooklyn Project
Documents that were finally declassified in 2214, revealed that in 1996
the United States’ Government began working on a doomsday device. Cloaked in secrecy, the operation was known
simply as "The Brooklyn Project." Led by Dr. Ivan Tupidsay, the goal was to create a device that would instantly
kill all of America’s enemies with the touch of a button. As well, there would be no nasty fallout, no lingering
residual effects from nasty chemicals or biological agents, and the infrastructure would be unharmed. All of America’s
enemies would be instantly vapourized by the push of a button. A daunting task, to say the least, but one the United
States was convinced it must undertake. After all, if they could imagine such a thing as being possible, then so could
their enemies. And if their enemies could imagine it, then, out of sheer prudence, the United States had no choice but
to assume that their enemies were already working on such a thing. It was further understood that once such a device
were created, it had to be used immediately. After all, if the United States could figure it out, then it is safe to
assume that their enemies couldn’t be too far behind, and that once their enemies had it, then they wouldn’t hesitate
to use it, either.
It was in the summer of 2009 that Dr. Ivan Tupidsay made what he called his “great
breakthrough.” Based on the knowledge that everybody has a distinct electrical current, Dr. Tupidsay speculated
that it would be possible to scan everybody on the planet and record their specific electromagnetic frequency. Once
that was known, then by bouncing an electrical pulse of some sort off of the atmosphere, it would be possible to “shut
off” everybody who was programmed into the weapon within one to the negative twelfth of a second of each other, which
was considered to be within an acceptable tolerance.
In the summer of 2011, the United States, under the guise
of weather satellites, put into orbit several scanners that were capable of recording the electro-magnetic signatures of everybody
on the planet. The initial scan was complete by the Spring of 2013, after which it was relatively simple to continuously
monitor the world’s population and up-date the files that were kept in a super-computer deep inside the Cascade Mountains
at a still undisclosed site, believed to be somewhere near Mitchell, Oregon.
It was on October 14, 2014, that
the system went completely online, with the computer containing all of the world’s population’s electrical signatures
linked to a series of photon-dispersement cannons, most of which were mounted on nuclear submarines positioned around the
world. How these particular “cannons” actually worked is still classified. Once the system came on
line, Dr. Tupidsay, acting on Presidential Order 666, unceremoniously pushed the button and was instantly vapourized.
No other deaths were recorded. According to government records, the “experiment” was tried at least two
more times, with the exact same results. Following the third attempt, the weapon was deemed a colossal failure, and
no other attempt was ever made to create such a device.