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"Doing Absolutely Nothing Since 1982."

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The Holy Grail Press is dedicated to promoting work that standard publishers... you know, those with standards, might be reluctant to publish, which pretty much leaves poetry.  And let's face it:  No one publishes poetry.  So in the end, we’re left with a lot of free time.

 

 

 

Word of the Every So Often 


April 20, 2021

feint:  (noun)  a ploy; maneuver; gambit; trick.  Go down field, do a little feint, then I'll throw you the ball, immediately after which you'll be flattened by that really big guy over there.

 

 

What's New at the Press 

 

...What's Old at the Press 

Tuesday, April 20, 2021

The History of the Future:  Save the Skinny Houses!

In the fall of 2056, the Supreme Court was asked to decide the general fate of urban renewal, and skinny houses in particular.  More notable than the actual court case was the extreme speed the movement spread across the United States, and even into other countries.

 

The movement, which became known by the acronym S.H.I.T. (Skinny Houses Improve Things), began in the Spring of 2056 in North Portland, Oregon, with three protestors outside the planned demolition of a skinny house to make way for new "Box" housing.  Within a month, there were protests in major cities throughout the United States, and sympathetic rallies in the London suburb of Surrey, and Heilbad Heiligenstadt, Germany.  The rapid prominence of the movement can be traced to a viral video of a kitten chasing its tail at the original SHIT rally.  That, and people seemed to really like saying, "Shit."

 

It is estimated that SHIT, collected over 1.2 billion dollars in donations in just five months, ostensibly to fund the legal battle required to ban developers from destroying historic homes to make way for new, trendier housing.  It became common in the Summer of '56 to hear the organization's slogan:  "Give a SHIT!  Donate today."

 

The culminating event was The Concert to Save the Skinny Houses.  It is estimated that on August 3 & 4, well over a million people filled the National Mall in Washington D.C. to hear every pop artist of the day – none of whom anybody still remembers – all sing songs about teenage angst. In a national poll taken shortly before the Fall Supreme Court session, 92% of all Americans (with a margin of error of plus or minus 3%) responded favourably to saving the skinny houses.  It was this popularity that pushed SHIT v. Reality Realty before the judges in October.

 

Writing for the majority, Judge Harris stated, "Why are we even hearing this case?  If you want to save the skinny houses, it's really easy.  All you have to do is buy them.  Nobody's stopping you."  Whereas many people had been willing to spend their money on pointless legal battles, when it finally came down to it, no one was willing to spend their money on an actual skinny house.  Said one supporter, "No interviews, please."  Within two years all skinny houses were gone.

 

See also:  Save the Flat Houses; Save the Crocked Houses; Save the McMansions; Save the Depressing Duplex Communities; Save the Trailor Parks; and Save the Ash Heap at the End of My Block.

9:21 am pdt 

Friday, April 16, 2021

4:20

It can often be very difficult to pinpoint the origin of a word or a phrase.  For instance, who said, “Groovy!” for the first time?  What deprived mind conceived such a combination of letters?  Sure, you can trace its use back in documents, but that can take you only so far.  You may find that its first recorded use was in episode 62 of “Gilligan’s Island” (or not), but that doesn’t tell you that a writer for that show created the term, although I wouldn’t doubt if one did.  The word could’ve been in use in limited circles for years before then. 

 

When trying to decide on the origin of the term 4:20, it’s even harder.  Those in the best position to know probably can’t remember.  4:20, for those of you who don’t know or can’t remember, has come to represent the entire marijuana smoking, weed toking, pot ingesting, and cannabis molesting sub-culture.  Just as every good beer drinker dutifully recognizes beer-thirty, every die-hard stoner recognizes bong-twenty.  4:20 – the time of the afternoon to get high, or higher.  And thus, the twentieth of April, the twentieth day of the fourth month, 4/20, has become the most sacred of all days for every red-eyed, munchie-craving stoner everywhere, who will all be happy to show you how they put the high in high holy days.

 

But why 4:20?  Why not 2:15?  9:37?  Noon?  All the above?

 

When trying to figure something such as where the term 4:20 originated, perhaps one of the best places to start is by eliminating the possibilities.  One rumor of where the term comes from is that there are 420 chemicals in pot.  Not true, says Americans for Safe Access, a marijuana advocacy group.  According to them there are “...483 different identifiable chemical constituents known to exist in cannabis.”  (Medical Marijuana)  And then they go on to list them, but you’ll just have to take my word on that. 

 

Another possibility was that 420 was the police code... somewhere... for weed addicts.  “We’ve got a 420 in Progress at the Disc Golf Course.”  Never mind that that’s redundant.  There’s one way to find out if that’s true.  In the terms of modern parlance, google it!  I simply put in:  “Is 420 a police code?”  It’s a well asked question, according to Google.  And the answer I found at an entire site devoted to squashing rumors was, “No.”  There are no police departments in the country that use 420 as a code for a couple of brothers passing a spliff.  (Mikkelson)

 

On the other hand, Senate Bill 420, which became law in California in 2003 made it legal to use medicinal marijuana.  (Senate Bill)  However, the term 420 was around long before 2003.  And I know that because while searching for the police codes, I stumbled across a site where somebody else had already done the work for me.  Aside from having found what they claimed was the right answer, they also debunked many others that I hadn’t even thought of, such as that the 20th of April is the best time to plant marijuana (as if a weed needs a best time!), or that when the Grateful Dead toured they always stayed in room 420.  (Mikkelson)  Wow.  Some people have really put a lot of effort in this.

 

According to a quasi-reliable source, 420 is believed to have come into existence in 1971 at San Rafael High School in San Rafael, California.  There were these twelve dudes, you see, and they all got into the habit of getting high every day at pretty much the same time after school... by the statue... at 4:20.  And that became their code.  You’re sitting in second hour algebra... or is it French... hard to tell, you can’t speak it... and your buddy nods and says, “420.”  Enough said.  And from there, quite naturally, it spread.  (Mikkelson)  All the cool stuff starts in California.

 

But is that true?  I mean, it’s not that I don’t trust Ms. Mikkelson, or Ms. Witmer, or Mr. Grimm, or any of the other numerous sources on the Internet that all confirm Mikkelson’s story.  But it’s just what my mama always told me:  Trust, but verify.  So I did.  I looked it up on Wikipedia.  And, by golly, there is a San Rafael High School.  And the High School has a statue of Louis Pasteur on its campus... the same statue where those darned stoners used to hang out each day at 4:20.  And get this!  Louis Pasteur has nothing to do with marijuana!  And if that’s not enough, it’s a high school.  And, really, if it’s on Wikipedia, then you know it must be true.

 

 

Work Cited

 

Grimm, Ryan.  What 420 Means: The True Story Behind Stoners' Favorite Number.”  25 May 2011.  The Huffington Post.  19 Apr. 2012.  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/20/what-420-means-the-true-s_n_188320.html

 

 “Medical Marijuana.”  7 Dec. 2006.  Pro/Con.org.  19 Apr. 2012.  http://medicalmarijuana.procon.org/view.answers.php?questionID=000636

 

Mikkelson, Barbara.  “Claim:  The Term ‘420’ entered drug parlance as a term signifying the time to light up a joint.”  13 June 2008.  Snopes.com.  19 Apr. 2012.  http://www.snopes.com/language/stories/420.asp

 

“San Rafael High School.”  2 Dec. 2011.  Wikipedia.  19 Apr. 2012.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/San_Rafael_High_School

 

 “Senate Bill:  SB 420 Chaptered Bill Text.”  12 Oct. 2003.  California State Government.  19 Apr. 2012.  http://info.sen.ca.gov/pub/03-04/bill/sen/sb_0401-0450/sb_420_bill_20031012_chaptered.html

 

Witmer, Denise.  “What Does ‘420’ Mean?”  2012.  About.com:  Teens.  19 Apr. 2012.  http://parentingteens.about.com/cs/marijuana/a/420meaning.htm

11:04 am pdt 

Wednesday, April 14, 2021

Hope Not

when life's journey is done,
that getting there
was half the fun.

8:42 am pdt 

Monday, April 12, 2021

Good Headhunters

Do good headhunters go to heaven
If they've lived a good headhunter's life?
If they've said their headhunter prayers,
and been good headhunter husbands and wives?

If they've never hunted heads out of season,
and always did their headhunting-est best,
do good headhunters go to heaven
when good headhunters are laid to rest?

And at night do they sit and wonder,
instead of going to their headhunter beds,
if good white people go to heaven
if they've never hunted a head?

"Do Good Headhunters Go to Heaven?" was originally published in Suttertown News in the their March 10-17, 1988, edition.

1:37 pm pdt 

Friday, April 9, 2021

The History of the Future:  The Brooklyn Project

Documents that were finally declassified in 2214, revealed that in 1996 the United States’ Government began working on a doomsday device.  Cloaked in secrecy, the operation was known simply as "The Brooklyn Project."  Led by Dr. Ivan Tupidsay, the goal was to create a device that would instantly kill all of America’s enemies with the touch of a button.  As well, there would be no nasty fallout, no lingering residual effects from nasty chemicals or biological agents, and the infrastructure would be unharmed.  All of America’s enemies would be instantly vapourized by the push of a button.  A daunting task, to say the least, but one the United States was convinced it must undertake.  After all, if they could imagine such a thing as being possible, then so could their enemies.  And if their enemies could imagine it, then, out of sheer prudence, the United States had no choice but to assume that their enemies were already working on such a thing.  It was further understood that once such a device were created, it had to be used immediately.  After all, if the United States could figure it out, then it is safe to assume that their enemies couldn’t be too far behind, and that once their enemies had it, then they wouldn’t hesitate to use it, either.

It was in the summer of 2009 that Dr. Ivan Tupidsay made what he called his “great breakthrough.”  Based on the knowledge that everybody has a distinct electrical current, Dr. Tupidsay speculated that it would be possible to scan everybody on the planet and record their specific electromagnetic frequency.  Once that was known, then by bouncing an electrical pulse of some sort off of the atmosphere, it would be possible to “shut off” everybody who was programmed into the weapon within one to the negative twelfth of a second of each other, which was considered to be within an acceptable tolerance.

In the summer of 2011, the United States, under the guise of weather satellites, put into orbit several scanners that were capable of recording the electro-magnetic signatures of everybody on the planet.  The initial scan was complete by the Spring of 2013, after which it was relatively simple to continuously monitor the world’s population and up-date the files that were kept in a super-computer deep inside the Cascade Mountains at a still undisclosed site, believed to be somewhere near Mitchell, Oregon.

It was on October 14, 2014, that the system went completely online, with the computer containing all of the world’s population’s electrical signatures linked to a series of photon-dispersement cannons, most of which were mounted on nuclear submarines positioned around the world.  How these particular “cannons” actually worked is still classified.  Once the system came on line, Dr. Tupidsay, acting on Presidential Order 666, unceremoniously pushed the button and was instantly vapourized.  No other deaths were recorded.  According to government records, the “experiment” was tried at least two more times, with the exact same results.  Following the third attempt, the weapon was deemed a colossal failure, and no other attempt was ever made to create such a device.

9:15 am pdt 

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