The Holy Grail Press
Doing Absolutely Nothing for Over 40 Years
It’s sunrise in beautiful Trauma City. As the sun shimmers through the layers of pollution, smog, and smokers’ hack, the 8:45 a.m. train races to the town.
Aboard the train is wealthy millionaire Amil Stabultin.* Amil is going to visit his grandson in Trauma City.
*Pronounced: Stá-Blut’in (If you had trouble with that one, you haven’t seen anything yet!)
This is Charley Fasnutintooter,* Amil’s grandson. Charley is excited. Today his granddad will visit him and bring him a valuable present.
*Pronounced: Fa-Snoot’-in-toot-er (What did I tell you?)
Amil gave the kid his present.
Charley’s granddad had given him an electric guitar.
Charley figured out to make it play music (if that’s what you call it), and he played it all day and night.
Soon it was time for Gramps to go, but his memory still lingered...
Charley’s mother wasn’t too hot on the idea of Charley keeping the guitar.
So it came to pass that Charley’s guitar came to rest in the alley.
MEANWHILE...
On the other side of town...
Delbert McGilliaglopen* (no relation) was leaving his broken down house for his morning scrounge.
*If you don’t remember that one, give it up!
Delbert found the thrown out guitar, but his mother didn’t want him to keep it.
Delbert had fallen in love with his guitar, so the only thing he could do was run away from home.
The only place that Delbert could think of going was a friend of his house.
His friend, Irvin Hensilfincher,* met him at the door.
*Pronounced: Hen-seal-finch-er
Delbert told Irvin his story, and Irvin volunteered to hide him.
One of Irvin’s hobbies was playing the drums.
ABOUT THIS TIME...
On the other side of town...
Two masked robbers were planning to knock over Papa Pizza’s* Pizzeria!
*Pronounced: Pá-Pà
One went inside while the other stayed with the car.
The crook raced away with the money, only to find to his dismay...
....the car had broken down!
They tried to start the car, but suddenly the cops arrived!
The two robbers ran down the street and jumped in the first available vehicle, forcing the driver to get out.
A high speed auto chase followed.
The truck skidded around a corner and a large box fell out in the front yard of a house.
The kid who lived at the house, Wilber Whonuzagogle,* ran out to see what was in the box.
*Pronounced: Who-news-a-gōō-gle.
Wilber opened the box and there was an organ inside. Wilber had always wanted to play the organ!
Wilber put the organ in the garage before anybody came for it. Then he called a friend of his from school.
His friend was Oscar Zappy, and the two of them decided to get together and start a duet, since Oscar played the bass. The two practiced at Oscar’s house.
Wilber and Oscar weren’t half bad, so they decided to try to get an audition playing somewhere...
...But no one wanted to hire a duet, especially an organ and a bass duet.
So Oscar decide to call a drummer friend of his, Irvin Hensilfincher. Irvin and Delbert had been practicing hard. Well... Irvin had been practicing while Delbert tried to figure out how to play the guitar.
One day as they were practicing the phone rang.
The two talked awhile and decided to get the two duets together into a regular band.
They got together and they weren’t half bad (they weren’t half good, either).
One thing they couldn’t decide on, though, was a name for the band.
Since they couldn’t think of a name, they decided to practice some more.
And so the band was named. A name that would soon become a household word.
They tried to get booked to play at nightclubs, but no one wanted them without a reference, so they tried a band agency.
The band booker really sounded enthused, so they loaded up their equipment and headed on down. But back at the studio...
The arrived at the band booker and went inside to audition.
And so Dead Dog and the Maggots had their first gig.
The place wasn’t much to look at, but golly, they had their name up in lights!
The people at the bar were really excited (yawn) that they would get to hear (yawn) Dead Dog and the Maggots live and in (yawn) person.
Then they started to play, and suddenly everybody decided to go home... all at once.
Once again Dead Dog and the Maggots were looking for a job.
But fate was in their hands.
And then the music started to play...
The next week as Delbert was sitting in the band booking place’s waiting room, he happened to run into a member of another band. The other band guy gave Delbert a few tips.
The other guy, whose name was Alfonso, invited Delbert to play with his band, The Electric Fruit Flys. Delbert then went home and wrote a song. It was a touching song of true love and other things.
(Well, like I said, other things.)
After he finished his song he called the rest of the band and told them about the concert.
When they got to the park The Electric Fruit Flys were already setting up their band.
A lot of people gathered around to hear them play...
Well, two old ladies and a squirrel isn’t half bad.
Dead Dog and the Maggots played first, and just as they were finishing another spectator came.
...They did.
Since they didn’t have any money the judge sentenced them to ten days in the county jail.
They weren’t in jail for an hour when...
Although they were glad to get out, they couldn’t help but wonder who posted the fine. This question was soon answered.
The band was overjoyed, and the minute they got out they started practicing for the concert downtown the coming up Friday.
Irvin even painted the drum for the occasion.
They got out on stage and played a new song.
As they played Delbert sang the words.
The crowd went wild and stormed the stage. After the crowd calmed down Dead Dog and the Maggots were called back for eight encores. The Maggots were an over-night success.
No sooner than they were even heard of at all they were famous and were playing at all of the famous places in the country. Then they hit the big time...
National TV!
Soon they released their first big album...
then another...
...and yet another.
They hit the top of the charts within a week and sold a million copies within two!
Then came the fateful day. Dead Dog and the Maggots boarded flight number 81 to Washington to attend the opening night of their new rock opera, “Earl.”
The plane took off and flew on.
The plane crashed! Rescue squads were sent out immediately! A lone survivor was brought down.
The nation mourned their death, and the president ordered that the flag be flown at half mast in their honour.
A special memorial was built for them.
BUT MEANWHILE...
Back at the city’s bus station...
The band decided to walk home and then figure out what to do. On the way home they passed a record shop.
The place had been destroyed by the people who had mobbed it after their albums! It was the same story all over town!
When they got back to their hotel they decided to call Chester, their promoter.
So it was set.
They cut a hit that afternoon, and it was on the radio by the next morning.
But it was still the same old story. The months passed, and they made more songs, more albums, and more money. And yet...
Chester told them they would get out soon, but it was sooner than he thought.
As Delbert was singing the words to his newest song a stranger walked in.
The cop was going to run them all in, but when he saw how happy the band was to leave he put two and two together.
So their careers had ended. Although they had to break up, the cop let them play one more song.
So this is where our story ends. As for the band...
...Wilber became an optometrist in the Bronx...
...Oscar devoted his life to science, studying the effects of cockroaches when they’re squashed...
...Irvin became a professional grocery sacker...
...And Delbert was never head from again... except thirty years later when a new song came out on the radio...
Original Album Cover (c.1974)