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This is the story of Homer P. Sludge, undoubtedly one of the nicest guys you would ever want to meet.  No kidding.  You can ask anyone.


His wife of 14 years, Gertie...


His 11 year old son, Wilt...


Eson, the goldfish...


His boss, Mr. Boss...


The paper person, Ralph...


Even complete strangers.

Well, you got the idea.  Needless to say, a story about a really nice guy would be pretty darn boring if something really nasty didn’t happen...


As Homer was heading for the bank, being the nice guy that he was, he held the elevator for Aphrodite, the office floozie, who was going to lunch.


However, that day, instead of going to lunch, Aphrodite had a profound religious experience and joined the Hare Krishnas.  Aphrodite was never seen again.


And at that very same time, on the other side of town, Homer was caught in the beam of a passing flying saucer and beamed off the planet earth, leaving no trace whatsoever.


Well, so much for Homer.

Meanwhile, back at the office, Mr. Boss was starting to get worried.


Very astutely, he called the bank.  They hadn’t seen him either.


Betty Gluzz, the office busybody, on the other hand, had seen Homer.  She saw him get on the elevator with Aphrodite.


Well, then, all they would have to do is ask Aphrodite... right?


Meanwhile, somewhere south of the Milky Way...


Homer was being thoroughly examined by the spacemen.

Since they had beamed Homer up during lunch, they figured that he was carrying his lunch, and since they had never eaten any earth food...


It was delicious.  They ate it all.

Back on Earth, things weren't looking good for Homer.


Joe Detective was called in.

Joe, being the sleuth that he was, was able to get to the bottom of it.  It was obvious:  Homer and Aphrodite had been having an affair, probably for a year or more.  When Homer finally got his hands on the forty grand the two of them split .  Now all Joe Detective had to do was find them.


Joe didn’t leave a stone unturned, so to speak.  Using his world famous disguises, he questioned everybody, including some Hare Krishnas at the airport. 


Joe even checked all the area motels, but he came up empty.


Then Joe got his big break. The spacemen sent Homer back. What a guy, that Joe.  Couldn’t’ve done it without him.


Homer was given the hero’s welcome any space traveler deserves.

And everyone believed his story.


Oh well, at least his friends and family were understanding.


It didn’t matter!  Homer would still have his day in court.  He would be able to convince everybody that there really was a flying saucer!


Boy, you talk about a turn of luck!  In less than a week Homer had gone from the nicest guy anyone would ever want to meet to a universal object of disgust.  No matter what happened, Homer was doomed.  If the court found Homer insane, he would have to spend the rest of his life in the nuthouse.  Otherwise, if he ever got out, Mr. Boss would certainly tear his lungs out.  And to make matters worse, his wife wanted whatever was left to feed to the goldfish.  On the other hand, the court could find Homer sane.  In that case they would fry him in the electric chair.  Cheery choices.  As Homer sat in his cell he wondered whatever became of all the friends he had ever known, all the people who had sworn to stand beside him no matter what.  They were all gone now.  Poor Homer.  He couldn’t even hang himself.  They had taken his shoe strings.


Suddenly Homer’s luck turned again.  After seeing what a mess Homer was in, the spacemen came back for him.


And with that, the spacemen sent Homer back.


It was true!  No one knew anything.  Mr. Boss still trusted him, Gertie still loved him, Wilt was still bouncing his basketball.  Aphrodite was even still at her desk.  All Homer would have to do was to forget that it ever happened.  He could just pretend that nothing had ever changed.

Like hell!


Homer left Gertie and Wilt destitute.  And after he quit Mr. Boss’s business folded, leaving poor old Mr. Boss on skid row. 


By the way, Homer and Aphrodite ran off together and joined the Hare Krishnas and were never seen again.  Of course, no one thought that Homer was such a nice guy anymore, but what the hell.

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