The Holy Grail Press
Perfectio Est Sudium Stultorum
“To say that he was a playwright is to offer an even harsher warning to the reader, for no one is a better liar than a man who has warped lives and passions into something as grotesquely artificial as a stage.” (Kurt Vonnegut from Mother Night)
"A good story is not about things that happen. It's about who those things are happening to." (Earl Eldridge)
The following are all original plays by Michael Soetaert, published by sombody other than the Holy Grail Press. To find out more, including production requirements, just follow the purple hyperlinks to Brooklyn Publishing Company.
Somebody Else's Play
The playwright has died, and now there's nothing stopping every bad character he's ever created from coming on stage. And they will. Join the bizarre cast of Vikings and nuns and pirates and zombies, and a whole lot more, as they come to terms with the realization that they're all just bit actors in Somebody Else's Play.
Coming Even More Eventually!
Unicorn Rainbow’s Happyland Adventure... or not
Andrew Jackson High School’s Annual Spring Play is this Saturday night, but it’s not too late for the principal to suggest that the director make a few... minor... changes to the script... and to the cast. Because, after all, we really don't want to offend anybody, now, would we?
Stuff That's Already Here
February 22, 2222: It’s the Zombie Apocalypse! When the dead become living, and the living become dead. And the only thing that can possibly survive... is love. 2222: The Zombie Apocalypse. It’s the Zombie love story musical comedy. Opening soon in a theatre near you... just as soon as we finish filming it, which is just as soon as we finish writing it, but that’s only if the Zombies don’t come to life for real. And maybe they already have...
Are you needing a career? Do you want job security? Peace of mind? Do you want to make the most amount of money for the least amount of effort? Then the Accountancy is the career for you! And it comes with an official certificate, suitable for framing. How can I be sure that the Accountancy is the right career for you? Because that is the career I recommend for everybody. And those wise enough to take my advice... all live right here. And woe be he who tries anything different. The Accountancy, a full length comedy.
Burt and Glenn are two scientists testing what they believe is a time machine. Only it's not. It's a portal to absolutely terrifying alternate realities. Now the only question is how will they survive their Alternate Deaths.
Will Detective Dirk Cannon and Officer O'Malley solve the case of the Fruitcake Bomber before he... or she... strikes again? Could it be one of the kindly old ladies who gets coiffed at Arlene's Beauty World? Or could it be Maurice's attempt at stealing the formula for Basic Blue? Could it be Chester who's engaged to the owner, Janis? Or could it be Janis trying to blow up Chester? Whoever it is, there's no one who can stop the fun at Arlene's Beauty World.
The Beeblebrox and Bixley Traveling Circus and Sideshow
There's Bobo the Pathetic Clown, whose name pretty much says it all; Leo, the tightrope walker, who's afraid of heights; the bearded lady, who is cleanly shaven; and the fat man, who's gone on a diet . . .and these are the good acts. Unless the Beeblebrox and Bixley Traveling Circus and Sideshow can do the impossible in only three days, unless they can put on a show so good it will impress a world-renowned circus critic, then they will be forced to close their tent flaps forever. Come one, come all, to The Beeblebrox and Bixley Traveling Circus and Sideshow.
A country is on the brink of war. The Prince of Stovia has crossed the treacherous Linoleum Plains in hopes of taking the bug he loves, the Princess of Frigistan, and escaping to the safety of the fabled Highlands. There, beneath the toaster, where no bug cares whether your antennae go up or down, and the people never empty the crumbs, they hope to live in peace forever. There's only one thing stopping them…the entire Frigistani army.
C'mon! You know the rules. You wanna form your own local union, you gotta have seven groups. Now let’s see, there’s the Elves, Easter Bunnies, Groundhogs, Cupids, Leprechauns, and Tooth Fairies. You know, it don’t take no mathematician to come up with six. Every time. Now unless you can find a seventh group, then quit wastin’ my time. And, oh, by the way, good luck convincing them other guys that you ain’t all nuts. Crazy Sevens...a play in one act.
The dogs in Happy Doggy Land Pet Store have a reason to be nervous: Will they get a good owner or a bad one? And what if they don't get one at all? It's no secret that there are no old dogs in the pet store. And now, to make things even worse, there's a cat. Come join the cast of bizarre animals as they decide whether to escape, revolt, or to wait less than patiently for something that may never come.
It's just an innocent omission, a little white lie; it's for her own good anyway. When grandma refuses to move to a nursing home to make room for her greedy relatives, they hold a fake seance so grandpa will tell her she should leave right away. But what would happen if the seance actually worked, and a stranger came over from the other side and liked it so much he never wanted to leave!?
Really. What’s the big deal? It’s only one position. One teacher. And it’s not like you’re being fired. Just laid off...permanently. And besides, it might not even be you. But it’s going to be somebody. Will it be the deaf music teacher? The legally blind drivers’ education teacher? Or any of the other equally talented professionals at Roosevelt High School? We’ll find out at The Faculty Meeting, a comedy in one act.
For years parents have tucked their children into bed with tales of Brothers Grimm and fables from Aesop. No wonder so many kids wake up screaming from nightmares. Seriously, what was wrong with those guys? Witches eating children, rotten parents making deals with old crones, monsters and worse! It's about time someone set the record straight. This collection of 8 ten minute plays does just that and more!
It’s the premiere of season two of nearly everybody’s favorite show, “Five Minutes of Fame!” Where each week randomly chosen individuals appear on the show for their five minutes of fame! Only this year we’ll have twice the contestants and twice the fun. So be sure to tune in to Five Minutes of Fame.
Welcome to the Gracelandia, a struggling hotel suddenly thrown into the national spotlight when an article in the American Enquirer claims the legendary Elvis Disco Tapes are hidden somewhere within its confines. The results are chaotic. Those guests that arrive are intent on finding the tapes, even if it means tearing the hotel apart in the process...or getting rid of whomever might find them first. Add a little romance to the insanity, and you have Gracelandia.
The villains used to not be that fast. These buildings used to not be so far apart. And if that rope comes loose – and there's really no reason why it doesn't – but if it does, you're going to fall. And that pavement is really going to hurt. You could break a hip. Maybe... just maybe... it's time to be Hanging Up the Cape. Even Superheroes need to know when to retire.
Long live King Steve the 42nd! He already promises to be better than his predecessor, King Steve the 41st. After all, he’s been king longer. But then, fifteen minutes isn’t very long, even for Iselmatainia. And if he can make it through the afternoon, he has a legitimate shot at the record. Of course, that’s a pretty big “if” in Iselmatainia.
The worst thing about being a distinguished flower, such as a Poppy, is that there is no privacy. No escape. You can't get away from those other annoying plants, especially the ones who think there is no difference between being a truly magnificent plant, such as a Poppy, and that of a common weed. But worse than that are the insects. And the worst insects of all are the bees...the killer bees.
What? Me? I’m an easy goin’ guy. I don’t care if you lied to me about bein’ able to write jingles. I don’t care if you’re spreadin’ rumors that my business organization is less than legit. Really. I don’t. To show what a nice guy I am, I’ll even help you get your cat back from whichever funeral home it was that catnapped her. All I’m askin’ is one small favor... that you marry my daughter. Now how hard can that be? You know... ‘till death do you part. And it don’t even have to be that long. I’ll wait.
Each year for the past seventeen years, on this very night, the Hawthorne Hotel has been visited by four ghosts, ghosts who cannot rest until somebody comes up with the punchline to a joke that has yet to be written. But tonight promises to be different, because tonight Inspector Chromium is determined to rid the hotel once and for all of these sporadic spooks, that is, if none of the other very strange guests don’t beat him to it first. The Punch Line, a full length comedy.
The Republic of Almost Perfect
It is the Cube, the most diabolical weapon ever conceived, capable of killing everyone on the entire planet, one at a time, or all together, without ever having to leave the comfort of your home. And it has just been handed to the Republic of Almost Perfect, the most peaceful country on the earth. Almost.
Swamp Castle... more accurately, Landfill Castle. And Sewage Treatment Plant Castle. And let’s not forget the methane. Which is all very profitable, if not a bit odiferous. Only the King of Swamp Castle is shoveling it in and moving to Florida, leaving the kingdom to one of his three sons... But which one? Swamp Castle, a ten minute comedy.
Ladies and gentlemen, young and old, faculty and staff... Tonight, on this very stage – right before your very eyes... if you dare to leave them open – you shall see for the very first time ever, acts that no sane student would ever perform at a high school talent show, and no sane audience would ever stay to watch. And that only leaves us. Ladies and Gentlemen, without any more delay or further ado, I give you Talent-tastic, the Greatest High School Talent Show that you will see tonight.
How hard could it be to bring the science teacher back to life? After all, the instructions are probably on the internet. Scoop out the old brain, plop in the new one. Zap him with a few million volts... what could go wrong... I mean, what are the chances that he could come back as a vampire?
Help Wanted: Death, aka, The Grim Reaper. Flexible hours, competitive pay. Need not be dead to apply. Seriously. It's not that bad of a job... except if you want to quit.
It's the WIDK: Channel 15, Spring Edition of their annual Fall Fund Raiser. We have got a great line-up for you tonight! This is our “Greatest Hits” show, where we give you a taste of our very best, just to show you what you’re missing if you’re not a regular Channel 15 viewer. So sit back and get ready to enjoy Channel 15 classics such as: reality TV with "The Martimo Brothers", weekly cutting-edge political commentary with "Pointy Thing / Counter Pointy Thing", live sports coverage of the Greased Lightning Bolts (our very own competitive speed walking team), and so much more!