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About Us

Back before the Internet, if somebody wanted to publish, say, poetry, just about the only option was a small press.  As the name implies, these were small, cheaply published booklets with such names as PinchPenny, Blue Unicorn, U.N.C.L.E. (for those who have given up), Midwest Arts and Literature, and the like.  They featured a variety of literature, but mostly poetry, because everybody seems to think they can write poetry.  And because poetry is... well... poetry, it's really hard for anybody to say something isn't poetry.  So if you had a poem or 48 that you wanted to see in print, you sent them to these little magazines, and if the winds of fortune weren't blowing sand in your eyes, one of those poems just might get put into print.  Of course, you weren't getting paid for it.  Often the only way you could see it published was to buy a subscription to the magazine.  And the only people who were ever going to read it were those other folks who had to buy a subscription, too.

 

And that's what the Holy Grail Press was, a small press.  Of course, we didn't publish anything back then, either, except the occasional works of Michael Soetaert.  And that's what we're still doing.  Everything at this site is the work of Michael Soetaert.  Even the other editors are made up... but don't tell them that.

© 2022, The Holy Gral Press, Portland, Oregon

The Holy Grail Press would like to recognize its editorial staff.  Seriously, we haven't seen them in so long we don't recognize them anymore.

Earl Eldridge – Editor in Chief

It has come to the attention of the HGP editorial staff that no one here can remember ever having met Mr. Eldridge.  None of us is equally sure if he’s ever actually written anything... or edited anything, as far as that goes.  In fact, we have no strong proof that he truly exists at all, except that the Holy Grail Press is in his name.  Therefore, somebody has to be paying the bills.  It sure as heck isn’t any of us.

Mrs. Vula Bimbaum – English Language Consultant 

HGP is honoured to have the esteemed grammarian, Mrs. Vula Bimbaum, as a member of our editorial staff.  Mrs. Bimbaum taught English for 38 years at the Jimmy Carter Middle School (formerly the Richard M. Nixon Junior High), and one year of high school Latin, as well as published the Weekly Grammarian from 1982-1987, a locally distributed newsletter in the greater Kansas City area.  Says Mrs. Bimbaum, “When it comes to bad grammar, there is never a scarcity of examples.  Never has been.  Now when you write this, make sure you join “Never has been" to the previous sentence.  Otherwise it will be a fragmented sentence.  Now we couldn’t have that, could we?”  In addition to her publishing forte, which Mrs. Bimbaum insists should be pronounced “fort,” she is one of the founding members of the Professional Structuralist Grammarians’ Association and a member of the Professional Organization of English Majors.

Duckworth Hollingsway – Medical Editor

Duckworth Hollingsway first became acquainted with the Holy Grail Press in the fall of 1987, when HGP published his much criticized “Christmas Poems.”  Whereas HGP’s main criterion for publication is up-front cash payments, sometimes we have to take what we can get.  What can we say?  It was 1987.

 

The “Christmas Poems” also met the State of Illinois’ criteria for insanity, and Duckworth spent the next 14 years at their facility just outside of Crossgrove, both as an inmate and as an intern, though it’s not clear if those two pursuits ran concurrently.  Because the Holy Grail Press was Mr. Hollingsway’s last know address, they sent him here upon his release in 2001, 2006, 2014, and again in 2018.

 

Currently, Duckworth is compiling his collection of “Lunatic Monologues,” which we will once again feature here at the Press... eventually.

The Reverend Bob Bidwell – Religion and Science Editor

The Reverend Bob Bidwell left his hometown of Phosell, Mississippi, to become a chaplain in the United States Navy.  Upon his discharge, he returned to Phosell to learn, quite unexpectedly, that his father had left him a rather remarkable sum of money when he died.  Bidwell, determined to spread the Word, invested the lion’s share of his inheritance into KMEN, a 100,000 watt radio station with an all-Bidwell format.  Bidwell’s diversified investment portfolio allowed him to run the station at a loss, but that all ended when his accountant left for Costa Rica, along with the majority of Bidwell’s capital.  Within three months Bidwell was completely bankrupt, left with nothing but the measly land he had been raised on, which he had so desperately tried to escape by joining the Navy to begin with.

 

Bidwell then entered into a period of what can best be described as mental debilitation.  He went missing for several weeks, during which time he was implicated in the hi-jacking of a church bus, attacking a pimp, and getting into a gunfight in a hotel room with a detective who had reportedly been hired by God to keep Bidwell from killing God.  Said Bidwell, “Why!  That’s ridiculous.  I mean, how could anybody hope to ever kill God?  Why, I’d just like to know how they would intend to do it.  Seriously.  Just give me a call.  Please.”

 

The Reverend Bidwell has taken a temporary position here at HGP.  Says Bidwell, “The Lord will show me the way.  It is He, by His almighty powers, that will show me a sign how I might best serve the Lord my God.  And when that day comes, I will have no choice but to go.”  Bidwell has been with the Holy Grail Press since 1982.

Mandrake Chapman – Professional Grant Writer and Contributing Editor

Mr. Chapman holds the distinction of being the only person to take every course offered by Cambridge and never actually to have graduated.  He received his Associate’s degree from Fairfield Junior College in Crossgrove, Illinois, in 1994, and then went on to join its faculty, where he is renown for his studies in Educational Philosophy and Toxicology.  In his most widely recognized experiment, he concluded that, whereas it is true that children learn better when a teacher has fewer students, when the student to teacher ratio drops below one, learning becomes negligible.

 

And, of course, who hasn’t benefitted from Mr. Chapman’s pre-graduate school landmark research that concluded cold beer inherently tastes better when you’re on a tropical beech?  That, in turn, became the foundation of undoubtedly one of his most controversial claims, that women truly do become more sexually attractive with increased alcoholic consumption, either on their part or on the part of the observer.  Says Mandrake, “If we don’t test it, how are we going to know?”  Mandrake is currently seeking to procure grant money to prove this assertion. As a pure scientist, though, Mandrake is less concerned with the actual utility of his findings than the process of scientific inquiry.  To him, it is a need to know. 

 

Says Mandrake, “It’s not so much writing the grants as implementing them.  Some studies can take up to ten years to implement.  And, of course, there’s a stipend.  It’s not an easy job.  It does require a lot of travel.  For instance, in proving that students truly learn more if their regular teacher actually submits lesson plans to a substitute while he or she is gone, it was necessary to determine if there was a difference in the quality of the lesson plans that were submitted if they were written at various altitudes, like the Swiss Alps, or at sea level, such as Tahiti.  A good grant will allow for travel.”

 

Mandrake is currently compiling an oral history of why people hate their jobs in an attempt to prove his hypothesis that it is because actual work is loathsome.  As well, he is continuing his ongoing project of recording The History of the Future.

Mary Ann Joblonski – Contributing Editor

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

Dr. Ivan Tupidsay – Technical Consultant and Contributing Editor

 

 

 

Leonard K. Bullfinch – Legal Advisor and Political Editor

Senator Bullfinch began his political career in 1968, when he first ran for the Senate.  He quickly concluded that the democracy was “way too important to be left solely in the hands of the voters.”  Realizing the injustice of just representing one small section of the population, Mr. Bullfinch withdrew from the general election and declared himself “a senator at large.”  Since then, Senator Bullfinch had dedicated his life to representing what he describes as the “the true majority of the United States.”  Unencumbered by the pressures of reelection, the selfish needs of constituents, or the greed of lobbyists, Senator Bullfinch had been indefatigable in his cause, that of promulgating truth throughout the land.  Senator Bullfinch claims to be be the only truly nonpartisan politician, because he represents nobody.

Michael Soetaert

 

Giovonni Pizza – Horticultural Consultant and Contributing Editor

In 1974, during her senior year in high school, Ms. Joblonski received national recognition as the Most Proficient High School Journalist in the South Central United States, Northwest Region.  She graduated with honors from the University of Missouri-Columbia with a degree in Journalism in 1978.  Her first paying job was with the Crane Chronicle where, in her first year, she won a regional award for journalistic excellence with her article entitled “Termite Infestation in Mobile Homes and Portable Buildings.”  Shortly thereafter she moved up to the much more influential Springfield News-Leader.  Four years later, having made her way to the New York Times, Ms. Joblonski was nominated for the Edward R. Murrow Award for her series on tenement flea infestations.  Two years after joing the New York Times, Mary Ann Joblonski accepted a position with the American Inquirer, from which she retired... twenty seven years later.  Ms. Joblonski has re-enterred the publishing world, mostly as a condition of her court-ordered anger management classes and part of a restraining order which requires that she remain at least 2,000 miles

from New York City.  Ms. Joblonski is currently working on an exposé of bedbug infestations in regional budget motels. 

 

Ms. Joblonski’s most noteable contributions to HGP are her ongoing histories of the United States’ Presidents and various Holidays, both of which she agreed to do only if we would also publish her exposé on Octoboy.

In 1978, disappointed by what he called “the widespread use of test scores as the universal determinant for collegiate admission,” Ivan Tupidsay founded the University of Milan.  According to Tupidsay, the name comes from the practice of holding classes outside on the grass during the early years.  “Beside,” added Tupidsay, “it sounds better than the University of My Garage.”  Three years later, Tupidsay was awarded the University’s first doctorate in Obscure Studies.  In the years that followed, Tupidsay earned degrees in such diverse fields as Ancient Dravidian Retail Philosophy and Xenopaleontological Literature, as well as having published extensively.  His 43rd book to be released by the Holy Grail Press, I Know More Than You Do, is due out at Christmas.  Currently, Dr. Tupidsay is Professor Emeritus of Everything at the University of Milan.

In 1984, a young man claiming to be Michael Soetaert showed up at the offices of the Holy Grail Press.  Why he ever felt the need to come here, he has never said,  In fact, there is a whole lot he has never said.  Though he claimed to know his own name, everything else, according to Mr. Soetaert, was completely lost.  After a thorough and costly medical examination, it was determined that Mr. Soetaert is suffering from total amnesia, even though he claims to know who he is.  As it happens, there is no unaccounted for Michael Soetaerts (and there are more than you might think).  Therefore, we really have no idea who this person is.  And since “That Guy” was already taken, we humour him and call him Michael Soetaert.  As a public service, if you know of anybody who fits Mr. Soetaert’s description (an old, white guy) who may have gone missing 40 years ago, please come and get him.

Giovanni Pizza began his career as a childhood star who was part of the critically non-acclaimed Papa Pizza Family.

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After the series ended in 1973, Giovanni made numerous appearances in various shows, and even had a small but regular role in the popular series “The Dukes of Hazzard.”

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Shortly thereafter, Giovanni decided to devote his life to the study of horticulture.

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Giovanni Pizza began his career as a childhood star who was part of the critically non-acclaimed Papa Pizza Family.

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Mr. Pizza came to HGP in 1999.  As it turned out, Mandrake knew this guy who knew this guy who knew Giovanni, and, well, Giovanni dropped by one night on business, and, ummm... in the course of the conversation it was discovered that, should he be offered a position, Giovani would be the only member on staff who had a degree in anything remotely associated with the English language, and he would be one of the few staff members who had any sort of degree at all.  Giovanni was offered the job, and he’s been here ever since.  Literally.  He moved in.  It’s not too bad.  He cleans up after himself, and he keeps the plants watered.

Wide-Eyed Willie – Musical Director

Wide-eyed Willie, whose real name is Wide Eyed Willie, dropped by the Press in 2001, and when he left all that we had to remember him by was a CD we found hidden in a stall in the bathroom.  We're hoping someday he will return and take the CD with him.

Wideeyedwillie - GotnoreasonWide-eyed Willie
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