The Holy Grail Press
Perfectio Est Sudium Stultorum
The COLLECTED LETTERS of
The MOST HONORABLE
SENATOR LEONARD K. BULLFINCH
Holy Grail Press is honored to publish the selected letters of Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch.
Senator Bullfinch began his political career in 1968, when he first ran for the Senate. He quickly concluded that democracy was "way too important too be left solely in the hands of the voters." Realizing the injustice of just representing one small section of the population, Mr. Bullfinch withdrew from the general election and declared himself "a senator at large." Since then, Senator Bullfinch has dedicated his life to representing what he describes as "the true majority of the United States." Unencumbered by the pressures of reelection, the selfish needs of constituents, or the greed of lobbyists, Senator Bullfinch has been indefatigable in his cause, that of promulgating truth throughout the land. Senator Bullfinch claims to be the only truly nonpartisan politician, because he represents nobody.
The Senator’s first newsletter was published by the Holy Grail Press in November of 2006.
France After much debate I have decided not to support the President’s plan to invade Iraq. I respect the President, and feel he has done a lot to our country. However, invading Iraq will not make the United States a safer place, not when we allow the French to go unchecked. France, in my opinion, is the biggest threat to national and international security. I offer the following as proof. France has weapons of mass destruction. They not only have nuclear weapons, but they have delivery devices capable of striking the United States. And France isn’t afraid to use their weapons. Just ask anybody in the South Pacific. France also has biological and chemical weaponry. The French are nasty. Ask anyone who’s ever been to France. They’re rude. If they were truly our friends, you’d think they’d be a little nicer to us. And why do you suppose it is that they oppose our attacking Iraq? It kind of makes you wonder whose side they’re on. Nobody can understand a darn word they’re saying. Even if you’ve studied French you still don’t have a clue. Sure, we think they’re saying something nice, but how do we know they’re not plotting to lob a 20 megaton bomb on Yourtown, USA? I’m certain that it will be argued that France is our ally, and I won’t deny that they are. Now. But how can we be certain about the future? France has opposed us in the past. Just look at the French-Indian War. I offer that it’s just a matter of time before they turn on us again. And this time it will be without warning. Should we just sit back and wait until they catch us off guard? Are we willing to risk all that our forefathers have fought for just out of complacency? And what if we’re wrong? To paraphrase Lincoln, “It would be better to err on the side of safety than to be vaporized into radioactive ash.” Thank you.
Evolution My Fellow Americans, It has come to my attention that many people are upset over the teaching of the theory of evolution in public schools. In particular, they are opposed to the idea that humans might be descended from apes. Trust me, after working in politics for most of my life, I find this assertion to be quite believable. Their biggest opposition, however, is that the teaching of the theory of evolution goes against what is written in the Bible. After giving this argument considerable consideration, I have come to agree with those opposed to the teaching of the theory of evolution in public schools. I base my decision not necessarily on the fact that it goes against the teachings of the Bible, in deference to my Catholic and non-Christian constituents, but solely on the assertion that we should not be teaching anything in our public schools that is not a proven fact. Teachers, after all, should all have finished college, and they should therefore know, beyond a doubt, all of the answers. Therefore, along with evolution, I am also opposed to the teaching of anything that is based on a theory. In essence, I oppose anything that is not a proven fact. Unfortunately, the following changes will need to be made to our schools’ curricula. First off, I propose the elimination of all grammar classes. Grammar, after all, is just a theory. And it is grammar that has caused this entire problem. Had grammar not allowed the word “theory” to simultaneously mean “wild guess” and “a well thought out idea that is supported by decades of scientific evidence” then there never would have been a problem. Along with grammar, we should no longer teach much, if any, of language arts. The interpretation of literature, or for that matter anything, relies on theory. Next, we must eliminate virtually all of science. After all, gravity is just a theory. And, it can be argued, the earth’s being round is just a theory. Light is a theory. Germs and atoms are just theories. Almost all of astronomy and a good hunk of physics are theories. Besides, it’s hard to do science without math, and a great deal of math is theory. For instance, the number “4” can ultimately be seen as a theory. Social Studies and History need to go. Certainly, one can say that the fact that an event has happened is not a theory, but how do we interpret that event? Unfortunately, that too, is a theory. And Social Sciences…just the word “science” alone should tell you that it’s ultimately based on theory. And Philosophy and Religion. Not a chance. Unfortunately, there’s not a whole lot left. After, say, the 3rd grade, most students will have learned about all that we can safely say they need to know. Now some may argue that will leave them ill-prepared for surviving in life. But then, are we willing to sacrifice our principles at the cost of teaching our children a lot of garbage that may cause them to think on their own? I think not. However, I am not for abandoning our educational institutions after the 3rd grade. The way I see, not having the day cluttered up with a lot of useless theories leaves time for what is truly useful to teach in public education, and ultimately the reason why public schools exist to begin with…basketball. First published November 21, 2005
Global Warming Many citizens in our fine country, and indeed, throughout the world, are becoming increasingly more alarmed and fearful of global warming. There are many of those who try to deny that it is occurring. Some say we need yet more studies. Others try to play it down by saying it’s not as serious as some would want us to believe, or by calling it “climate change.” After examining the exhaustive data and conferring with numerous experts, I have become convinced that our planet is, indeed, becoming increasingly, and perhaps even irreversibly, warmer. However, unlike many of these naysayers, I believe that global warming is a positive thing. Consider the following. Global warming is good for the economy. If the ice caps melt, it will be easier for ships to get to the Alaskan oil reserve. That, and with no snow in Alaska, it would look like the barren, god-forsaken landscape that it really is, so who would care if we drilled there? Global warming cuts down on heating costs. This (along with the Arctic oil reserve) means less dependence on foreign oil, which reduces the threat of terrorism. How can anybody be in favor of terrorism? In addition, if the ice caps melted, it would stimulate the real estate market. Inland flooding would mean more sea shores, and everybody loves going to the beach. Also, it would be closer for people living in the Midwest to get to the ocean. And shorter winters mean longer summers. And who doesn’t like summer, especially with the coast so nearby? There are some, though, that fear global warming might cause mass extinctions. Even if that is true, extinction is not a bad thing. Think of how the world would be if velociraptors and saber tooth tigers were still running amok. People would be afraid to go outside, and rightly so. Small children and helpless old people would be senselessly slaughtered. Dinosaurs are gone and the world is a better place because of it. Besides, even if we wanted to, we couldn’t kill off all the life on the planet. Fire ants and cockroaches could survive even the most horrific nuclear holocaust. Life will go on. I realize that some people may not come out as well as others should the polar ice caps melt. Some might lose their homes. Some might even lose their lives. We should, though, always be looking at the bigger picture. We should always ask ourselves, “What is good for the majority of us at this very moment right now?” Remember, there is no guarantee for the future. All we will ever have is the eternal now. And when you’re gone, what would those you left behind rather have, money, or a whole lot of ice? First published November 28, 2005
Capital Punishment Crime is rampant in our country. Whereas many solutions have been offered to stem the tide of this lawlessness, such as alleviating social injustice, educating the poor, and offering hope to the hopeless, it is obvious that these are only getting at the root of the problem. The true problem is that people are not afraid of the consequences of their actions. Quite frankly, criminals are not afraid that ultimately we will kill them if they cross that line. The biggest argument offered against capital punishment is that it does not work. But there is no doubt that it does work. If you pump someone full of deadly chemicals or zap him with a bazillion volts, that person is going to die. And further, he is not going to commit another crime ever again. The problem is that we don’t execute enough criminals fast enough. It can be decades before justice is done, what with mandatory appeals, reviews, and retrials. This process needs to be radically speeded up. However, we wouldn’t want to give those awaiting the ultimate punishment less rights, less opportunities, to prove their innocence than, say, a shoplifter. Therefore, I propose we take rights away from everybody. What could be more fair? What I propose is mobile justice. Say you are driving home from work and you’re pulled over because you and your vehicle match those involved in a murder. It could be years before you are finally able to prove your innocence. And during that time, you would be forced to spend a small fortune. In essence, simply being accused could ruin your life. And it is no doubt that the current standard of American jurisprudence is that you are as innocent as you can afford to be. My plan would solve both of those injustices. Mobile justice is the answer. Every police force would have available to it a mobile courtroom. This would simply be a bus with the judge and jury right there. These would be professional jurors. After all, selecting an impartial jury is a difficult process. Once you find one, why let it go? When, say, you were pulled over as in the above example, you would immediately be put on trial. Everyone would have a public defender to represent them, so the playing field would be made even. If you are found innocent, you would be on your way home. It would take no more than half an hour out of your life, and you would be happy to have performed your civic duty. If you’re found guilty, then you’re executed on the spot. That guy would be on the bus, too. Further, to avoid the argument that the death penalty is being unfairly applied for differing crimes, I propose the death penalty for everything. After all, what cold-blooded killer didn’t start small? Speeding today, cannibalism tomorrow. Call it pre-emptive crime prevention. It is true that innocent people might be executed. However, for the safety of the population as a whole, it would be worth it. Everyone should be willing to do their civic duty to make America safer. Besides, if you’re innocent, you have nothing to worry about. And if a family wanted to pursue litigation for a wrongful death, they would be welcome to. After all, this is still America. Anybody could hire their own private lawyer to prove someone’s innocence. However, to avoid complicated litigation and outrageous settlements, my office has calculated the average worth of a human life on the planet. If you could prove that, say, your spouse was unfortunately wrongfully executed, then the state will be compelled to send you a check for $1.97. This amount will be regularly adjusted for inflation. My proposal is fair. It will make America safer. It will alleviate prison over-crowding, thus reducing the tax burden on our law-abiding citizens. It will decrease unemployment and increase the average wage paid, since the fewer people there are, then the greater demand there will be for their labor. And it will reduce immigration, since no one will want to come to our country. Remember, together we can make America a safer place. First published December 13, 2005
Finance Reform Scandal has rocked our government. Elected officials from the county dog catcher maybe all the way to the President are being paid off, accepting illegal money, in the hope that it will influence them. And it does. Lobbyists are running amok across our land, offering money and free vacations and, most importantly, votes to those officials who can change the laws to favor their companies and causes. All of which has led to a cry of reform. And I agree. We need to completely eliminate all finance laws. That and split infinitives. Fragmented sentences, too. After all, our country is based on capitalism. It was founded on the principle that ultimately anything can be purchased. Why should lawmakers be any different? Why shouldn’t hard work -- the hard work it takes to inherit a boat load of money and the hard work it takes to hire a lobbyist -- be rewarded? This is the entrepreneuristic spirit that has made our country great. And then, what kind of message are we sending the children? We encourage them to work hard, save their money, and for what? How can we truthfully tell our children that thrift is worthwhile if they can’t ultimately buy off their teachers or hire someone to get rid of their principal? And who would argue that the presidency, the highest office in this country, is based on merit? We don’t care who can do the job the best. We only care who can sell themselves the best. And that takes money. We could save a lot of time and money if we just cut to the chase and auctioned off all public offices. The government would be out nothing for elections, all profits could go to the national treasure, and people would be reassured of what they’ve known all along – that their votes aren’t worth doodly squat. Because, after all, we would end up with exactly the same people in office but be spared a whole lot of insidious commercials and having to pretend that we’re truly concerned with debates. Ultimately it comes down to who has money anyway. Rich children will go to better schools, get a better education, land better jobs, and have better lives. It only goes to follow that they should have better representatives. If you agree, let your voice be heard. Send cash. First published January 18, 2006
Smoking After considerable consideration, I would like to weigh in on a subject that is important to many of my constituents, as well as some of you who are not. And that is smoking in public. Many people consider smoking in public, in particular, second hand smoke, to be a health hazard to those non-smokers forced to breathe this tainted air. Not that I am unsympathetic to their plight, but I disagree with outlawing smoking in public. In fact, I have decided to fight for legislation that will make it against the law not to smoke in public. Universal smoking would be beneficial to our society. First of all, it would benefit out tobacco growers, which are almost wholly an American industry. Many farmers would, in fact, find it profitable to farm tobacco over those crops they’re now trying to grow, like wheat, soy beans, and rice. A strong American industry, such as the tobacco growers, manufacturers, and distributors would be would mean a strong America. And who could argue with that? It is possible, as well, that some of those who are now growing such harmful crops as marijuana might actually abandoned their illegal ways and take up growing tobacco instead. Universal smoking would also benefit other industries. For instance, it would help guarantee a strong health care industry, not to mention other peripheral industries, such as the funeral services industry. Universal smoking would help to reduce unemployment. First of all, we would be employing more Americans in American industries. And who can deny the logic in that? And secondly, the entire problem with unemployment, after all, is that there are too many workers for a limited number of jobs. The fewer the workers, the lower the unemployment rate, and the better America becomes. Smoking would also help to reduce crime. A non-smoking criminal would no longer have an advantage when trying to outrun a 3 pack a day cop. Can anyone truly argue that we want to make it easier for criminals to get away? And Universal smoking would help to make America a more homogenous society. No longer would we be plagued by the perennial battle of smokers versus non-smokers. No longer would anyone find offense with another’s smoking. No longer would anyone have to be suffered the indignity of being treated like some second-class citizen, relegated to the back of the restaurant, or denied entry all together, in order to enjoy an after diner smoke. We must protect our civil rights! Now I know that there are those of you that say all of these things would occur if we universally gave up smoking altogether. However, let’s be realistic. Expecting everyone to quit is just not going to happen. Smoking, after all, is a serious addiction. It is much easier, and much more realistic, to expect those who do not now smoke to begin, than for those who now smoke to quit. When all of America finally lights up, it will be like the smoke that Francis Scott Key struggled to see through when he was inspired to write the National Anthem. America will become more than the home of the brave, when there are liberty, justice, and cigarettes for all. First published March 5, 2006
Repeal the Ban on Ballistic Missiles! I come to you today to take a stance on a subject that has long been dear to me. And that is my Second Amendment right to arm myself, to the teeth if necessary. We have the God given right in America to shoot each other, and that happens to be a right I won’t give up without a fight. And you had better believe I’ll be packing. Of course, I’ll be packing a perfectly legal handgun, along with the permits necessary to own that gun. And I have a trigger guard, too. Just in case the grandkids accidently open the combination on my gun safe. Today, though, I come to you for your support. And the support I seek from you, my fellow Americans, is help in repealing the ban on possessing ballistic missiles. There are many collectors and serious hunters, like myself, who are being unlawfully denied their Second Amendment Right to procure ballistic missiles. First of all, a man has the right to protect his home. Does it really matter from what? Second, it opens up an entire new dimension to hunting. Kill it and cook it, all at once. Third, think of the collector! Imagine a trophy room displaying every weapon ever made... except that blank spot along the wall. Are we that cold-hearted that we wouldn’t give just one man that little pleasure in life? But finally, the Second Amendment says I can, and that’s all the reason I need. And I’ve got the NRA behind me to boot. It’s time for this blatant and unconstitutional discrimination to end! Not another day should pass without the possession of ballistic missile’s being legal. After all, outlawing the possession of ballistic missiles will not keep lunatics from killing thousands of people. If you outlaw ballistic missiles, they’ll just use a board with a nail in it. Therefore, I want all of you who know what is right to email every elected official that you know, repeatedly, and tell them that you demand access to ballistic missiles. In fact, you tell them that you are determined to possess ballistic missiles. In double fact, you tell them that you are even willing to die, if that’s what it takes. And who wouldn’t be willing to die in protecting his Constitutional rights? I guarantee you, you will see action. And remember, ballistic missiles don’t kill people. Lunatics who are allowed to have ballistic missiles kill people.
Taxes With the current state of the economy, a lot of folks are complaining now more than ever about the tax code in our country. And who can blame them? The current system we have for paying taxes means that the average person pays for a lot of stuff they will never use. In a typical town – Your town – you pay local taxes to maintain streets that you never drive on, and for streetlights to light those same streets. You pay for sidewalks you never walk on. Parks you never go to. Schools your children never attend. Police you never call, and firemen who you never need. It’s outrageous! Yet, most folks who weren’t deprived of oxygen for prolonged periods of time in their youth will admit that these are all nice things to have. Indeed, they are all necessities, except maybe for the schools. After all, just because I have never called a fireman, doesn’t mean I won’t need to. Therefore, I would like to propose a system of fair taxation: Pay as you go. Under my plan, every street would become a toll road. Every sidewalk would become a toll sidewalk. If your child goes to the Jimmy Carter Junior High School, then you pay tuition that goes just to the Jimmy Carter Junior High. Why pay for the high school if junior high is as far as he gets? If you call the fire department, they come, and then you receive a bill. Get pulled over by the cop? You receive a bill – not just a ticket, but an itemized statement for the cost of gas, maintenance, and the hourly wage. Bullets are extra, too. Want to be sure the food in a restaurant is safe? Pay for the health inspector. Use a park? Entrance fees. If you want a streetlight in front of your house, you pay the bill. If you really think that a certain intersection needs traffic control, then buy it. If people can’t pay, it would encourage them to get out and get a job. If you don’t pay the firemen, no big deal. They can bring the fire back. Don’t pay the cops? Well, I see nothing wrong with having those folks work off their bill on a chain gang. Of course, while they’re working, they’ll be housed in jail. They’ll have to work the cost of that off as well, including their meals and laundering their orange coveralls. Can’t pay the school? Your kids don’t go. Can’t feed your kids? Oh well. It’s better that they, and everybody else, learn early on that all that really matters in America is money. Whereas my plan is intended for local governments, I am currently assessing the possibility of expanding it to a national level. You don’t want those illegal immigrants working down at the chicken processing plant? You pay to have them sent back. If it’s really that important, you won’t mind. If you really want our troops to protect our country, then buy them some bullets. What could be more fair? And isn’t that what we want from our tax system? Fairness? Indeed, fairness is what America is all about... that, and money. I thank you for your support, and, in advance, for sending me the cost of this newsletter. Itemized Bill Paper.02 Ink.01 Envelope.04 Spit.01 Computer 1,500.00 Hourly Wage 120.00 Insurance 128.39 Toasted Cheese Sandwich 1.98 Total 1,750.45
National Rattlesnake Association I, Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch, am proud to announce that I have been chosen as the honorary spokesman for the NRA – the National Rattlesnake Association. As Americans, we are all blessed with certain inalienable rights. We have the right to say what we darn well want when we darn well want to say it. We have the right to worship wherever and whatever we so please, be it Baptist or Methodist. And we have the right to defend ourselves from those who would want to take these rights, these freedoms, away from us. And there is no better way to defend ourselves than by owning and carrying live rattlesnakes. Therefore, I urge all Americans to become a member of the National Rattlesnake Association. As a member of the National Rattlesnake Association, we believe that every citizen has the right to protect himself and his family, be that threat real or imaginary. We further believe that there is no better way to protect yourself than with a live rattlesnake. After all, what could be more American than a rattlesnake? And a rattlesnake is more effective than a handgun, in that it doesn’t need to be aimed, it won’t show up on a metal detector, and should you ever be incapacitated or caught unawares, it will act on its own. As well, it never needs to be reloaded. Think of the money you will save every year on bullets alone. And then there is the peace of mind that a price cannot be placed upon. Just the thought that you may be carrying a concealed rattlesnake should make any would be villain think twice. And should someone want to break into your home, knowing that there could be a rattlesnake coiled behind your home entertainment center would make any burglar wish he’d gone to trade school instead. Indeed, that burglar would have no idea where that snake might be hiding. And let me tell you, any rapist is going to think twice before exposing any of his more delicate body parts, not knowing just where that snake might be. That sort of peace of mind is something that every man owes his wife and his family. There are those who counter that rattlesnakes are inherently dangerous, especially if you have children or pets living in the home. To them I say, “Poo.” First of all, a rattlesnake is all the pet you will ever need. And children can be taught not to play with it, just as they can be taught not to play with handguns. And if you line a playpen with Plexiglas, why, there’s no way that snake is going to get in there. As an added bonus, you will no longer have to worry about rodents and other vermin in your house. Therefore, I urge every God fearing American to join the National Rattlesnake Association. Your membership includes: Your very own live rattlesnake, guaranteed to be at least three feet long, which will be delivered inside of your home absolutely free of charge. You will also receive an official decal you can place in the rear window of your car or on the front door of your home to let would be thieves know they’d better think twice before they go after your stereo. And you will get our semi-monthly newsletter, “Recoil,” that will keep you updated on current legislation, local rattlesnake clubs, and other information vital to being an informed citizen. As well, you will receive discounts from our catalogue on such items as National Rattlesnake Association apparel and NRA snake bite kits. And if you order by the Fourth of July, you will receive your very own NRA snake tongs, suitable for handling rattlesnakes up to four feet long, or flipping burgers on your grill. Joining is easy. Just send 59.95, plus 38.50 for shipping, in care of Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch to the Holy Grail Press. Sorry, cash only. And before you know it, you will have your very own rattlesnake curled up somewhere in your home, protecting you and your loved ones from all the evil in the world.
Corporate Sponsorship of States As some of you may be aware, the United States is currently experiencing some degree of financial difficulties. Whereas I’ve always believed that nothing is really as bad as it truly is, I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe this time it is. Therefore, I would like to offer this humble solution to our economic woes: Corporate Sponsorship of States. America would not be the great land that it is if not for capitalism. But what is it that has made capitalism great? The corporations. Those great companies whose gross yearly profits exceed that of many countries in the rest of the world, especially those countries that nobody wants to visit anyway. What I propose is that we tap those great corporations to help us out of these difficult financial times that we find ourselves in. So I asked myself, “Senator, what does the United States have that a giant corporation could possibly be interested in?” And then the answer came to me: Advertising. What I propose is Corporate Sponsorship of States. If a company is able to outbid the other competitors, we will change the name of a state to their company or product’s name. Imagine vacationing in Denver, McDonald’s. Lying out on the beach in Miami, Coca-Cola. Or getting back to nature at Gulf Shores, British Petroleum. Companies would pay well. Could you imagine having your company headquarters in Lynchburg, Jack Daniels? Or seeing the Arch in St. Louis, Anheiser-Busch? And if a company were to go out of business, which I’m told is possible, or if it were to fall out of favor (who, after all, would want to vacation in Enron?), then the government could buy the name back at a much better price, most of which they’ll probably owe us anyway, and change it back to Texas, or whatever. Then we can let the bidding start over. It’s a win-win situation. It wouldn’t cost much to change everything that any given state name is printed on, and who really cares if they live in Rhode Island or Trojan? And from there, we can move on to national landmarks, rivers, bays, and mountain ranges. The possibilities are just about limitless. Anywhere there is a place name, there is profit waiting to be made. Imagine The Bill Gates Space Needle, The Proctor and Gamble Grand Canyon, The Smith and Wesson Statue of Liberty, The Phillip-Morris Volcano, or the Monsanto River. For enough money, we could even change the names of our elected officials. Trust me. The corporations are ready to pay. We would be a fool to turn down hard cash for something as inconsequential as a name.
Labor Day The United States of America has been observing the Labor Day holiday on the first Monday of September since 1882. According to the United States Department of Labor, an agency of our very own government, Labor Day “is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers.” I may be just a country boy who went to a small country school, but I know that people who are “dedicated to …social achievements” are nothing more than socialists. And anybody who has studied communism at all, knows that the only thing those godless pinkos are concerned with is the “worker.” Let me ask you this: Where would the worker be without people to create those jobs they work at? Nowhere, that’s where. Therefore, any way you look at it, Labor Day is a “holiday” devoted to socialism, and where you have a socialist, communists can’t be far behind. And there is nothing more that the communists would like to see than our great country fall in ruins. This cannot be allowed. Our country was not made great by people staying home and sleeping in. We did not create our unparalleled nation by our workers going on picnics and having barbecues… and getting paid just the same as if they were at work. It was made through work, hard work. And if we want to keep our nation great, then we can’t stop working, not even for a day. And we certainly can’t be asking for the job creators to be giving us money when we’ve done nothing to earn it. No wonder productivity has fallen in this once great nation of ours. Therefore, I propose that the Labor Day holiday truly become a labor day. It will be a day where everybody is required to go to work and not get paid for it. Imagine how much more money the job creators would have to create jobs if everybody in the country worked for free just one day of the year… or two… or more. Why, if nobody ever got paid at all, just imagine how much more productive our great nation would be! So this year on Labor Day, I am asking all Americans to go the work just the same. And if they give you extra money, or any money at all, you need to give it back. And if they won’t take it, then you can send it to me. It’s the American thing to do.
Calendar Savings Time I am proud to be the sponsor of Senate Bill 11.59: Calendar Savings Time. This bill seeks to change the disparity in the current calendar that favors generally miserable weather and regularly threatens our country’s economic wellbeing, as well as our citizens’ general health. Under this bill, much like we do with our clocks for daylight savings time, we will turn our calendars ahead in January, thereby eliminating both the months of February and March completely, and virtually all of January, all three months which few people would choose for their favourites without considerable financial compensation. Think about it: Right now if we could move the extra day we observe every four years for leap year to any month we wanted, how many of us would choose to have an extra day in February? Wouldn’t you rather have that day in June? This is our chance to make that move. But why stop there? Under my bill we would have the fall as usual. After all, the change of season is nice, and the trees can be really beautiful. Besides, the fall has the major retail holidays, and we need to keep the kiddies in school. What I propose is that at mid-night on January 1 of each year, after we’ve rung in the New Year, we, as a nation, turn our calendars ahead to April 16. That’s a nice spring day. And, as an added bonus, we eliminate the federal tax deadline, and therefore, all taxes. April would have 15 days, as would May. As well, July and August would only have 15 days. After all, there’s only so much heat anybody can enjoy. And that leaves June, which would now be 91 days long, 92 in a leap year. After all, what better time of the year is there than late spring? Holidays such as Valentine’s Day could simply be moved to, say, the 43rd of June, for instance, and Easter can still jump around all it wants, as long is it only jumps in April. Affected birthdays, likewise, could be celebrated wherever they would correspond in the new calendar. For instance, if your birthday were on the 4th of January, it would now be on the 3rd of April, or whenever, as far as that goes. It’s your birthday. Who says when you can enjoy it? And it would make it easier for your friends to make it to your party, since they wouldn’t have to worry about the weather. Essentially, though, this is a bill that would benefit both our economy and our environment. It will promote tourism because of extended summer months. It will decrease the cost of education because children won’t be in school between December and September, but they will still go an entire year. It will save many cities a lot of money – money raised through taxes – that is currently being spent on snow removal and the general maintenance required on roads and other infra-structure after a long winter. It will cut down on heating and energy costs, putting more money in the consumer’s wallet and reducing carbon emissions, which means that it improves the environment, and who could be opposed to that? It will decrease the amount of those who suffer from flu and colds by eliminating the flu and cold season, which will improve the overall health of everyone in the United States. This, in turn, could result in lower insurance premiums. It will help those currently suffering from seasonal affective disorder, since far fewer people are affected by late spring than they are mid-winter. And it will no longer be considered odd to leave your Christmas decorations up until June. Plus, if a state, or even a city, wanted to remain on the old calendar, then that would be up to them. That would be the will of the people. If, say, Indianapolis still wants to be scrapping ice off of their windshields while the rest of the country, except maybe for Arizona, was enjoying late spring… well, that is their Constitutional right if lawfully voted upon and agreed to thereof by the majority, given that it doesn’t fall into a category of law that requires a super-majority. Career Washington politicians, though, tend to oppose those things that the rest of us find to be just common sense. Therefore, we need your help to get this bill passed. Contact your Congressmen and Senators and tell them you are for a bill that will create jobs, improve our environment, and make our citizens healthier and happier. Tell them you back Senate Bill 11.59. And tell them that I sent you.