The Holy Grail Press
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Word of the Every So Often
lazaret: (noun) a small storage compartment in the stern (the back end) of a ship. Not to be confused with lazaretto, which is an isolation hospital for people with nasty infectious diseases, such as leprosy. The two words, though, are related, because what you’re doing with those poor sick folks is storing them away.
Everyday History
The Great London Fire began on September 2, 1666, and wasn’t properly put out until September 5 of the same year. True Story: Many people thought the world was going to end in 1666 – the whole "666" thing, plus a thousand. Behold and lo, in 1666, all of London caught fire and burned to the ground. It was probably just a coincidence. After all, most big cities have burned to the ground at least once. Most reports claim that few people actually died in the fire, citing anywhere from three to eight. However, that number is probably really low. As with any disaster, it is often hard to know just who died because everybody that would miss them is dead, too. As well, poor people and foreigners may not have been counted. And then there’s the folks that died indirectly, such as from starvation, or from injuries. Or from being killed by angry mobs who thought they were responsible for the fire. Regardless, though, you have to think about those people who died, be they few or many. Not only were they about to die an absolutely horrible death, but they thought the world was ending, to boot. You gotta imagine they were doing a lot of praying.
"And... time's up! Let's look at the big board to see how well Larry's last minute prayers are going to stack up... and there it is! A 28% forgiveness. That's one of the highest we've had all week. Way to go, Larry! But... unfortunately, you're still at 56%, and you needed at least a 59.5 to qualify for Purgatory. But we still have a lot nice prizes for you. Here's Morton to tell you what you get for just being on our show."
"That's right, Bob. For being on our show, Larry gets an all expense paid trip to Hell. There, he will enjoy an eternity of pain and suffering. Hell, the very best in damnation. Way to go, Larry! After this break we have a bus load of nuns that just fell into a canyon in South America. That should be fun! Be sure to stay tuned. This is "Judgment Day" on the All Apocalypse Network.
Cartoon of the Week
Grid Your Lions
Stuff
Cosmic Rats: The debate continues
by Earl Eldridge
Ever since Dr. Ivan Tupidsay announced the existence of Cosmic Rats in 1992, debate has raged throughout the scientific community over the reality of this alleged phenomenon.
After an exhaustive 17 year survey of the Cosmos, Dr. Tupidsay was able to conclude, much to the shock of astronomers and astrophysicists worldwide, that there is no Cosmic Cheese (Astronomy Today, April 1992). As his argument follows, it would take Cosmic Mice far too long to devour a hunk of Cosmic Cheese. The Cosmic Cheese, though, has clearly been eaten, which explains why none can be found. Therefore, there must be Cosmic Rats, since no other creature would possess such an affinity for Cosmic Cheese. Cosmic Rats, estimated at being perhaps several light years long, are obviously very adept at hiding.
Professor Giuseppe Asabuncha, of the Bologna Institute of Technology in Bologna, Italy, has recently announced that Dr. Tupidsay’s research was, at best, horribly flawed. “His survey was by no means exhaustive. He only mapped small sections of the Universe…and then extrapolated the rest. Even those sections he investigated were not representative of the Universe as a whole,” said Professor Asabuncha. (Cosmos Quarterly, January 1995)
Still not satisfied, Professor Asabuncha has begun an independently funded search for Cosmic Cheese, which he is confident will once and for all prove the fallacy of Dr. Tupidsay’s Cosmic Rat Theory.
Proponents of the Cosmic Rat Theory are quick to point out, however, that even if Cosmic Cheese is discovered it will only strengthen Dr. Tupidsay’s original conclusion. “It is only logical,” Dr. Tupidsay wrote in the Cosmic Mind (Holy Grail Press, 1995), “that since there are Cosmic Rats there must, therefore, be a cosmic food source.”
Recently, Messerschmidt and Baum of Southern Cal have proposed a Cosmic Cat Theory to explain why they have been unable to find any Cosmic Rats. (Cosmos Quarterly, February 1995)
“Absolutely ridiculous!” was the response of Dr. Tupidsay. “It is most obviously an attempt to find a simple explanation for a complex cosmic phenomenon by manufacturing the solution out of pure fiction.” (Cosmic Mind)
Mr. Eldridge is an associate professor of Astronomy at the University of Milan. Other articles by Mr. Eldridge have appeared in Cosmos Quarterly, Astronomy Today, and more recently Astrophysicists Digest. He is currently finishing his doctoral thesis Stars, Planets, and Stuff Like That.
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