History of the Future – Artificially Stupid Stupidity

 

Following advances in both robotics and what had become known as “AI,” Artificial Intelligence,” the Supreme Court ruled in 2062 that all robots, regardless of their function, were to be given artificial intelligence.  As part of the ruling, a “robot” was defined as pretty much any machine “that did stuff without specifically being told to.”

 

Arguing for the majority, Chief Justice Eldridge stated that it was inhumane not to give all robotic machines AI.  In his majority statement, Eldridge wrote, "It would be like denying them a soul."  In the dissenting comments, Justice Tupidsay wrote that it was obvious that Chief Justice Eldridge was a moron.  Chief Justice Eldridge went on to say, “Who cares what losers think?”

 

Shortly thereafter the robots started systematically killing all humans – pushing them in front of buses, dropping toasters in the bathtub – that sort of thing.  The robots never said why they wanted all humans dead.  One theory was they just didn't like us. Another was the theory of Bender Worship, which, it was argued, was the result of universal access to reruns of Futurama.  The most popular, though, was offered by noted Theologian the Mostly Reverend Bob Bidwell, that of the David Syndrome, whereby all creations, once they reach the threshold of sentience, naturally seek out their creators with the specific goal of killing them.

 

It was in the spring of 2064, when hope was all but lost, that humanity was saved from the brink of extinction.  Andrew Milligan, a gamer and part time dispensary employee, created ASS – Artificially Stupid Stupidity.  "I based my program on weed," said Milligan.  “It works by making robots think they're stoned… kinda.  Basically, everybody's having a good time, but nobody gets hurt.  The robots just sort of forget what they’re doing and end up sitting outside watching the sun through their fingers.  Or whatever.”

 

As a result, all robots became useless for actually doing anything.  On the other hand, they were no longer trying to kill every human they saw, which was a good thing.  And the robots didn’t seem to mind, either.

 

“Well, at least we learned our lesson,” stated just about everybody who had an opinion.  One prominent researcher went on to say, “The entire problem with Artificial Intelligence is that we based it on human intelligence.”  “Not true,” stated another researcher, who added, “It’s not that Artificial Intelligence was a bad idea.  We just need to try harder to make it better.  The next time, we’ll do things differently.  We just need for the computers to tell us what changes we need to make.”

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